What woman doesn’t like a muscular man? Buff arms, a broad chest and strong shoulders make women feel protected and secure. Guys aren’t doing set after set of crunches ’cause it’s fun; they know how much ladies love six-pack abs. But there’s a fine line between sexy and skanky. Bodybuilders take a step (or five) too far by bulking up way beyond any normal standards. By morphing their bodies into exaggerated — some might even say grotesque — shapes, they successfully manage to gross out women everywhere. I don’t know where men got the idea that bodybuilding is hot, but, trust me, it’s not.
We admit it, there’s a vanity double standard
Adonis complex, anyone? We’re the ones who are supposed to take longer getting ready. Primping, fussing and spending two hours in the bathroom is traditionally the domain of women, and we like it like that. If she’s the wash-and-go type, she’s even less likely to enjoy your obsession with your appearance. In the book Adonis Complex, author Harrison Pope details at length stories of women whose partners became so consumed with getting bigger that they allowed their relationships to falter. Some of these guys spent so much time at the gym that they rarely saw their partners, while others simply relished so much obsessive attention on their bodies that their partners felt invisible by comparison. Either way, it sucked for the ladies.
We’re creeped out by your protruding veins
Ooh, is that a vein? Maybe I can give you a shot! Many men become so infatuated with themselves they actually forget what’s attractive to women. Veins bulging out of your limbs, neck and even your forehead are just plain gross. Veins are for the Incredible Hulk, not a normal man.
The stuffed sausage look is deeply distressing
Sausage — delicious! But so delicious we like to be reminded of it every time we see your bare arms? No, not really! Make it rain? More like make it dry. When your insides look like they’re going to burst out of your skin, it’s almost painful to look at.
We’re confused by your bizarre bodily proportions
Bodybuilders tend to have gigantic shoulders stacked on top of tiny little waists. We understand that many men love the idea of a woman with extra-large breasts and a pinched waist, but the aesthetic does not translate well across the sexes. On a man, the shape borders on monstrosity. Yes, broad shoulders on a guy are an absolute turn-on, but broad shoulders are not the same as colossal monstrous shoulders. It’s all about proportion.
Your tan shouldn’t look like it has a smell
To be fair, orange skin tone doesn’t come from bodybuilding, but it does come with the territory. Bodybuilders are so fixated with looking like Arnold circa 1985 that they not only work out past the point of normalcy, but they tan so hard they look like burnt hot dogs. Red, leathery skin should be saved for a handbag.
If you enjoy working out, don’t feel like we’re singling you out. Women love a fit body.
Think Matthew McConaughey playing the bongos (ignoring, for all intents, the bongos) or Brad Pitt in Fight Club — lean and sexy, not big and monstrous. We want someone we can wrap our arms around, not a guy who’d be able to break our hand by squeezing his pecs together.
We love concern, but not obsession, about appearance
Looking good will no doubt win you points with the ladies. But obsessing about your appearance and asking your lady if you’re big enough is not attractive. Make sure you’re in shape, your threads are cute, you smell good, and your hair is combed. These are the hallmarks of someone who cares about his appearance but isn’t consumed by it.
Smooth skin is sexy, rippled skin not so much
There’s nothing like rubbing your hands all over your man. But if he’s vein-y, ripply and bulging, it’s easy to get turned off. Toned arms and a taut chest are delicious to touch, but vein-y skin is not. The only thing we should be feeling besides skin is hair, not veins.
We love your skin! Don’t paint it!
Lightly bronzed is sexy; looking like you’re developing skin cancer is not. Overly tanned skin ages and looks saggy earlier than unexposed skin. Do yourself a favor and skip the George Hamilton look for a fresh, natural skin tone.
Yes, women like a man who looks good and takes care of himself. But just like men don’t like a woman who looks botoxed and slathered in makeup with triple F boobs, a woman doesn’t like a man who looks like he spends 10 hours a day starting at himself in the gym mirror. Excessive vanity is not an attractive trait on anyone — male or female. Do yourself a favor and skip the extra hour at the gym and get outside and enjoy your life instead.